Finding Hope and Contentment
Hello. My name is Jill Egner. Recently I shared a story of affliction, highlighting God as my Shelter in the Storm. Today, I continue my story. I will share about another aspect of my life I never expected to live... and how I am finding contentment and hope along the way.
As I shared in the previous video, I had brain surgery 5 years ago, in 2015. I am so thankful that the surgery was a success, and the tumor was completely removed! And then, I encountered a new kind of pain: chronic post-surgical nerve pain, all along my forehead and down the side of my face. In addition, I still have chronic fatigue –gratefully, it is about 60% better than it was before surgery.
How do I live with this? Honestly, it is so hard to be limited in what I can do and to experience daily pain. Sometimes, I get discouraged or, I lose motivation. When the life you expected to live is torn away, you do not instantly have hope. You choose to begin a journey in search of hope. You start with feeling the loss – it. is. real. Then you look upward.
God is so gracious and has helped me so much. I am learning to give myself grace, which is refreshing to the soul. When I feel frustration starting to rise within me, God helps me to take a deep breath and tell myself, “it is okay that you have run out of energy. You have been working hard and now it is time to rest.”
I am also learning to practice daily gratitude, which is calming to the heart. Just before surgery, I wrote this:
Dear Jesus, thank you for holding my hand through my days of weakness. Thank you for smiling at me when I felt small and insignificant. Thank you for calling me to love deeper and face my fears courageously.
Gratitude does not mean to ignore the truth. Sometimes, you just need to cry. At times, I have been in so much pain, that all I could do is lay down with an ice pack and cry until the pain is numbed.
What is SO hard for you right now? Know that God is kind and patient. He will hear your cries and offer comfort to you. I am choosing to keep hope alive. One way I do this is to stop judging myself. Judgment destroys hope and robs contentment. I have learned that when I think, “you should be able to keep up with the housework,” I am judging myself. Instead, with kindness and patience, I will say, “I no longer have the energy to keep up with the housework. I will do what I can and be content with that.” A couple years ago, I hired a house cleaner. I love cleaning day! I am so grateful God has given us the resources for that.
Focusing on what I cannot do is discouraging. Choosing to focus on what I can do is encouraging. I can call people and comfort or inspire them. I can put a puzzle together. And when I am too tired to do that, I can lay down and rest. Since life has become so hard physically, my husband Dean has become so helpful in the areas I used to take care of. He does the shopping, much of the cooking and cleaning the kitchen. He even helped me put up Christmas decorations. Doing this together made the process so fun. God has brought us closer together as a result of the hardship.
God also healed a brokenness in my heart. I grew up not receiving much nurturing and emotional connection. When I had this surgery, at 50 years old, my mom came to Denver from Michigan, on the train. It took her 23 hours to get here. Once home from the hospital, she took such great care of me. I could barely walk or talk. I could not stand up, much less prepare myself something to eat. She helped me up the stairs, put lotion on my arms and legs, brushed my hair, and told me she loved me. I felt nurtured. You never know when healing will come. Don’t give up. Keep reaching for hope. When you lose hope, look upward, and know that God is our Safe Place and Deliverer.
In closing, I will share from one of my journal entries:
“Dear Father in Heaven, I love you! You fill my heart with joy because You find pleasure in being with me. I am treasured in Your heart. Thankyou for pouring Your grace out on me all the days of my life, for always watching over me with Your heart of love and protection. Thank you for wrapping me in Your tender arms. You are wonderful to me.” (Nov 3, 2016)
(Find Part one of Jill's story at
https://www.denverchurchofchrist.org/we-are-the-dcc-jill-egner-overcoming-adversity!)