“I don’t want to write this”

Jana Shuster • February 23, 2022

“I don’t want to write this”

 

The dark truth of this statement makes me raise my eyebrows slightly in surprise. 

 

I have always considered myself an ally. I grew up surrounded many faces different than my own; lovely shades of ochre and almond color my earliest memories in Southeast Asia.  As I grew, God continued to bless me with learning opportunities regarding the history of racism and how it exists today.  He sent me to college courses, brought me into diversity clubs, and led me to generous individuals who invited me into their traumatic experiences by sharing their stories with me. I can remember weeping after these discussions, feeling so heartbroken for them and yet helpless to fix the problem. I cried out to God to give me opportunities to help, whether that meant keeping silent to allow other voices to be heard, or speaking up when my voice was needed. 

 

Yet here I am, standing at the edge of an opportunity, seeing my prayer in tangible form, and fear seeps out from the depths of my heart. 

At first it was a fear of stealing a spotlight which should be on others. I have no right to speak on this topic. It’s time for black voices to be raised. It’s time to give them the microphone. And, indeed, all of these things are true. 

 

But there was something else there, a fowl green smell that wafted from the back door of my subconscious. Cautiously, I opened that door that is so difficult to open, to even recognize that it is there, and found fear in a different form. 

 

I am afraid to raise my voice. What if I say something wrong? What if I offend someone and I am perceived as an enemy instead of an ally? What if this affects my future relationships? What if the post goes viral and is read on the Today show as a prime example of White racism in America?? What at first appeared as hesitation, showed to be much a larger fear than was anticipated. 

 

Should I be so surprised by my own cowardice? Haven’t I done this in smaller ways before? Coworkers, friends, family members have spoken less of their fellow humans because of skin color in my presence. To some, I gave truth spoken in love. To others, I gave silence and a new topic of conversation.

So here I sit, pen and paper in front of me, suddenly very aware of the way fear has taken advantage of my subconscious bias, both in the past and present moment. 

 

The temptation to lean into shame fueled by self-pity looms around me. Excuses for all of the times I quenched the Spirit and held my tongue pop like popcorn through my mind. 

 

“It’s not my job to fix people.” 

 

“I don’t want to offend anyone.”

 

“It wouldn’t change things anyway.”

 

“It’s not like I am hurting anyone with my silence.”

 

Those thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a louder thought that silences the rest: haven’t I heard this all before? These excuses sound like the ones I make for every sin. Insecurity, pride, envy, worry, and of course, fear. 

 

Are those excuses enough to keep me from choosing Jesus? No! The Bible wins over every sin. My sin is to be nailed to the cross as I choose Jesus over my flesh everyday.

 

So why is this any different? Why is this newly exposed fear one that I can keep tucked away in the recesses of my heart? 

 

“It isn’t.”

 

The piercing truth of this statement makes my muscles loosen. I didn’t realize I had been clenching my jaw.

 

The Bible is clear in it’s stance on speaking the truth in love, treating all humans with kindness and respect, and defending justice whenever possible. That is how Jesus lived his life. That is how I aim to live mine. The first step to that is admitting that I need to improve and try again. 

 

Like a child who has realized they are simply too short to reach the top shelf, I meekly ask the Lord for courage to crucify my fear and write the words He has placed in my heart; to trade my own self preservation for a heart willing to try, fail, and then grow; to acknowledge my weakness to strangers in hopes that it inspires them to do the same. I imagine Him resting a warm hand on my shoulder. 

 

I pick up the pen.

We are grateful for each of our guest authors who have chosen to explore tender topics, such as race, within their writing.  If you would like to learn more about how issues of race might be impacting your friends, church and community, we encourage you to look into the resources listed below. 


• Be the Bridge Book Group: offered in 8 week sessions. The goal of this group is to create healthy dialogue about race in our communities, and to create a safe and positive space for both learners and well-seasoned reconcilers to ask questions, process thoughts and share ideas. Contact Kaitlyn Bush for more information.

• Cultural Humility and Racial Equity Training: This 2 part course can be offered to small groups and/or community groups. This training offers a safe space to discuss issues around identity, culture and race, and how understanding these more deeply allows individuals to make a greater, kinder impact on those around them. Contact Carmen Hamilton for more information.

• Meals that Heal:  This is a family to family opportunity to take conversation to a deeper level. Families, or households will be matched together to enjoy a meal and time of conversation together. Participants will be provided with a “care package”. In this package will be a list of gentle conversation starters to introduce topics related to identity and culture. The goal of this time is to open opportunities for deeper conversation and grow in appreciation for the individual experiences of those around us. Contact Suzie Conner for more information.

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