Testimony Tuesday: Strength in Weakness

I was 23 years old when God saved my life for at least the third or fourth time. 

There was a near-drowning in 5th grade, a school shooting in 7th grade, choking during a family dinner, and then that day at 23 years old, when I seriously contemplated ending my life. 

It was a near thing, weighing the pros and cons of a life that had been filled with pain: the pain of being bullied, depressed, overwhelmed with fear, sadness, and loneliness all because I had a secret. It was a secret that I was certain would doom me if people knew. Unfortunately for me and so many others, taking control and choosing the time to end my life seemed like a better solution. I know now that it was not, and I am eternally grateful to God that I made the choice to continue in this life.

Now for the secret that almost killed me. When I was about eleven years old, I discovered that I was same-sex attracted, (or “gay” if you prefer that terminology). I was painfully shy and introverted, and this discovery drove me deeper into my shell. I put up walls and put on masks to ensure that no one ever discovered this terrible shame that I was living with. It was exhausting! 

As the burden of maintaining such a ruse grew heavier and my strength began to fail, choosing to end my life seemed like a better idea with each passing day. However, when I finally made the choice to go on living, I realized that I was stronger than I thought. From that time forward, at least that part of the burden was lifted. The depression, sadness and loneliness did not end that day, but the desire to harm myself did. Praise God it has not returned in all these years! However, I began to find other, unhealthy coping strategies. I used alcohol, and random hookups along with some dabbling in drug use to cope with the emotional issues and get through day-to-day life. I had a few friends, but no one I was willing or able to allow to see me through the walls or beneath the masks that I wore.

It was about seven years later before the Holy Spirit fully convicted me of my sin and need of a Savior. In 1993, my brother invited me to attend Church on Easter Sunday. I cannot say that I specifically prayed for God to intervene in my life, but I had been thinking about God a lot! After attending this service, I made the decision to study the Bible.

In hindsight, it is very easy to see God’s hand, constantly guiding and directing, in so many of the experiences I struggled through. While studying, I was able to be open about my same-sex attractions for the first time in my life, and although my church didn’t have a lot of resources to offer at that time, there was finally someone who knew the “real” me. 

I was baptized on May 25, 1993 and have been striving to faithfully follow the Lord ever since. My favorite scripture is John 9 verses 1-4, which taught me that my hardships were not borne of sin but allowed so that, “the works of God might be displayed in him”.

God has brought so many blessings to my life over the years, things I never imagined for myself: a wife, family, children, and grandchildren and friends, so many friends! The years have not always been easy, but God has proven faithful through all of them! For those areas where I have been weak, God has brought into my life two specific ministries built to help people like me. The Disciples in Motion ministry (https://www.inmotioncounseling.org/) and the Strength in Weakness ministry (https://www.strengthinweakness.org/). 

Disciples in Motion has helped me navigate the hurts, hang-up’s and issues of my past trauma while preparing me to be vulnerable on a much larger scale than I ever would have dreamed possible. The Strength in Weakness ministry has given me support and encouragement from others who are same-sex attracted and striving to live lives of holiness and righteousness before God and man. God has given me the opportunity to serve on the staff of Strength in Weakness. This provides a platform from which God can use my experiences to help men, women, students and families gain a greater understanding when their loved ones live with same-sex attraction.

When I thought my life was worthless, and I was on the verge of throwing it all away, God reached into my story and helped me see that He could transform all the loneliness, hurt, fear, sadness and despair into a life of impact and hope. To God be the Glory!