Is Civil Discourse Even Possible Anymore?
Rob Ferry • November 3, 2020
When it comes to politics, you likely have a friend or coworker or relative who is on a totally different planet. Typically in your interactions with them you count on high-spirited debates. It used to be that those types of discussions and debates were civil. Sadly today, most discussions and debates, in-person or online, are rarely civil. In fact, we are surprised when they are.
It’s an uncommon thing to have positive role models who show us how to discuss sensitive topics well. One who listens intently to another’s perspective. When a message isn’t sinking in, they say, “Okay, help me understand what you see that I don’t see.”
A thoughtful person takes the role of learner instead of teacher. This involves probing for answers and holding space for their thoughts. The effects are powerful. When we encounter folks like this, we find ourselves more willing to consider what they have to say, too.
This kind of healthy disagreement is mostly absent these days. For the sake of humanity, we need to learn to get along with people who hold different beliefs from us. Agree or disagree, here are four major steps to staying civil on sensitive subjects.
Guideline 1: Begin where you agree.
Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some. I do everything to spread the Good News and share in its blessings” 1 Corinthians 9:22-23 (NLT)
Twenty-two years ago, I attended my first major international gathering - a conference of 1,000 attendees from 20-30 different countries. It would have been easy to focus on our differences, but because we shared a common love and passion for Jesus, we instead focused on our commonalities. When we knew how we were the same, it was easy to overlook and minimize our differences.
As disciples and influencers, we must look for overlapping interests. Even with people with whom we might violently disagree. This is the foundation of a civil conversation.
Guideline 2: Keep an open mind.
“Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance.” Proverbs 1:5 (ESV)
The older I get, the more loosely I hold my beliefs and opinions. Instead of thinking about how right I am, I try to ask, “Where am I blind? What am I missing?”
In Kim Scott’s book Radical Candor, she talks about the concept of quiet listening. It’s about seeking to understand, not defend or interrupt. And not forming counterarguments in your head while your opponent speaks. This is really difficult to do, but the results, the increase in learning and understanding you will gain, are worth the effort.
Guideline 3: Get your facts straight.
As he does in all his letters when he speaks in them of these matters. There are some things in them that are hard to understand, which the ignorant and unstable twist to their own destruction, as they do the other Scriptures. 2 Peter 3:16 (ESV)
Before sharing your opinion, make sure you have solid evidence and a sound argument. Check what you read on the internet against snopes.com or neutral sites. And watch out for confirmation bias.
Getting your facts straight can be summed up in three tips:
- Always be sure of your data.
- Never mischaracterize the opposing view.
- Never resort to personal attacks.
As a Christian, if you don’t verify your argument, you could easily end up embarrassed.
Guideline 4: Be willing to state your view but with humility.
For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted. Luke 14:11 (ESV)
You’re not always right. None of us are. To civilly discuss differences, you’ll need to admit you may be wrong. This is humility.
Here’s a great lesson about humble responses. When challenged or criticized say, “You know what? You might be right.” This simple statement diffuses a lot of tension.
There is value in opposing opinions, but that benefit may not come out unless you create an environment that’s safe for dissent. Some of your best counsel will be from people you disagree with. Don’t miss out on that because of your need to be right.