Joy in Despair

Joy- definition in “dictionary.com”

Noun: a feeling of great pleasure and happiness.

Verb: rejoice.

Despair- definition in “dictionary.com”

Noun: the complete loss or absence of hope.

Verb: lose or be without hope.

1Peter 1:6-7

“In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”

 I want to share part of my life story with you that began at the young age of 5. I’m sure I didn’t exactly understand what joy or despair was, but what I did understand was pain. My family consisted of my mother, father, older sister, and younger brother. We were living with my grandparents in Teaneck, NJ; in a home my grandparents built. They were so proud of this home. However, the neighborhood had become unsafe for us as gangs were starting to consume the area. 

My siblings and I would often walk to the school bus or go to the parks where we would run into gangs (usually a group of 2-8 teenagers). This usually resulted in us getting picked on or repeatedly punched/beaten because we were different from those who lived there. I was young. Although I tried, I didn’t know how to fight back. It just didn’t seem to work out very well for my younger brother and me. We would often come home with black eyes, bumps, and bruises. In addition, my grandparents’ house would get broken into. The windows would be broken, and my family’s belongings would get stolen. I could see how frustrating it was for my parents and grandparents. 

This went on for several years until finally, we were able to move out. I did not understand what despair was, but during those years of getting beaten up and watching my little brother get beat up while I was held down and punched, it felt like there was no hope for us. I would have called that despair. A year went by, and I experienced another marked moment of despair when my parents got divorced. However, this was a different type of despair from being punched in the face or gut. I did not understand the pain I was experiencing as an 8-year-old. It was at times overwhelming. I love my parents, but they were no longer together. We were being forced to move 80 miles away where we weren’t going to see my dad very often. I was close to my dad and I would have called that "despair".

My mother loaded us up and moved us to the Jersey Shore. There I went to high school. Again, for a short while, I got picked on mostly because I was different - race, clothes, and accent - from those who lived there. This only lasted for about a year. During this time of moving and trying to make new friends, I made a few changes. I became busy training. Training in what you ask? Training to never get beat up again! After my experiences in Teaneck, I never wanted to experience a fist or foot in my face again. So I trained in karate, judo, boxing, and finally, I found wrestling. I did not know all of this despair would lead to the development of a future athlete. I grew better and better as I trained with weights, running, boxing, and wrestling. I began to love training. 

Eventually, colleges started to reach out to me as an athlete. I planned out where I wanted to go and made a list.  Ok, a great plan, but again despair began to set in because none of those schools wanted me to be a part of their programs. So I had to settle for a list of other schools like U of Arizona, Louisiana State University, College of NJ, Rider University, U of Illinois. These were not my first choices, but at least I had choices. 

My senior year was going great until I injured my knee. Now my school choices became much smaller. No school wanted to risk-taking me if my injury was going to hinder my future with them.  

As despair began to set in again, this time I began to learn valuable lessons from my bible and my faith, though small at the time. 

I chose to go to Louisiana State University on a scholarship. What a privilege it was. The despair I had experienced through life helped drive me to constantly work to improve, to find ways to grow and be better, not just at sports but in life, despite my pains and hurts. While at LSU, as a freshman, I made the decision to become a Christian and years later met my wife Lisa there. Now, as life has had its many challenges, I see the difficult moments as God working to help me grow. These big, and some not so big, trials are for me to choose joy in my life’s despair.

My times of despair have pushed me, motivated me, and allowed me to thrive! However, at the time, I often could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. Looking back now, I see the countless blessings that have come from my sufferings. I see now how God takes me, molds me, and allows me to grow from my times of hopelessness. I have had countless blessings that result from my times of despair. Now when I face trials, I know I may feel pain and hopelessness, but it teaches me and helps me grow; it is about so much more than just my little world. Now, I find joy in my trials. 

I have faith God is guiding me and pushing me in a direction he wants for me no matter how painful it may feel at the time. Consider what God is doing in your life when you feel pain or hopelessness; is He working to help you become mature and complete? 

Despair may look different to each of us. For some, it may be the loss of a loved one, a miscarriage, a divorce, financial hardship, a job loss, a breakup, just feeling depressed, or online schooling at home. There is joy in despair. God is using these trials to help us become mature and complete. 

James 1:2-5

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

James 1:12

“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”